True Friendship

1 Samuel 20

The story of Jonathan and David is paradigmatic of friendship. They hung tough through thick and thin. They stood with one another, even when everyone else around them was picking sides and vehemently denouncing everyone on the other side. They would go to extremes for one another. They had one another’s back. 

The story we heard this morning is simply one example among many. Jonathan’s father, Saul, was mentally ill, prone to murderous rage, and had lost God’s favor as ruler over Israel. David was God’s choice as Saul’s replacement. Saul, therefore, was less than amicable toward David—all right, out and out hellbent for his death. Jonathan made the choice to stand with David, accepting things as they were, allowing his love for his dearest friend to trump all else, even the power and presence of his own father.

Some might well pause at this point and, with some justification, argue that then this really isn’t such a great example of how to be a family—is it really right to choose a friend over family? Yet, even as that question rises, we can think of moments when, yes, that is exactly what needs to happen. For instance, my son chose a wonderful African-American to be his roommate and best friend through his entire college experience. They are as close as friends can be, modeling all that David and Jonathan do in their relationship. Now, roll the clock back 35, 40, 50, or 60 years. We are all from the South. We cannot escape that truth. In those days, my son’s choice would have put him at odds with everyone and everything. He would have made a right and proper decisions, but the world as it was would never have seen it as such. He would have been inviting all sorts of repercussions—even from his own family in that day and time. But he would have been right to do so. He would have been right on a level that far transcends our worldly standards that are so prone to our prejudice, judgments, and assumptions. 

He would have walked with God.

It is this piece that lifts Jonathan and all like him into another realm. They have now entered a state of being that faith—and scripture—defines as righteousness. Literally, the Hebrew term for righteousness—sedeka—means to walk with God. Theologically, the term means to allow God to define and delineate how one enters into the human community. As a righteous person, one enters into relationships, encounters, and even simple conversations thinking first of how God would be present, of how God views the person(s) met, and how God would manifest the love that is God in that interaction. That means entering every human interaction in full awareness and mindfulness of who, what, and how all is happening. 

To be a friend as we are considering friendship this morning means to be so. 

All the time.

No exceptions.

Oh, no…

Often, our immediate reaction to such a statement is resignation—yet another standard I will never meet—a helpless, hopeless shrug—and move on to the next thing. Don’t do that. Don’t go there. Don’t give up.

God is good and grace abounds.

We are not on our own as we seek to embody righteousness in our lives. God is with us and for us. Christ said as much as he shared Holy Communion with the Twelve. He defined how he (and, therefore, God) was with them. In grace, God descended to us—in friendship. Our hymn, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” makes exactly the right theological point here. God meets us in God’s own righteousness, emptying himself that we might be full, including strengthening us and encouraging us to be able to be the righteous persons we need to be to manifest God’s love within the world. Hence, it is not SELF-righteousness that God seeks, but true righteousness which is accepting God’s gracious presence and letting ourselves become conduits for God’s working. As St. Paul proclaimed, “When we confess Christ as Lord, it is the Holy Spirit making that confession” (). God will stand with us and in us as we seek to be righteous.

So, do not be overwhelmed by the call, move to acceptance. Take it to heart. Open yourself to the working of God.

Be a friend.

How?

Return to the example of Jonathan. What exactly did he do? 

First, he thought of another first, letting go of self-centeredness. As he met David, he emptied himself for David. He did not see this act as a great, painful sacrifice full of suffering and self-abnegation. He saw it as happiness. He loved David—this was the way to fully realize and actualize the joy in that love. He allowed himself to be with David. Think on that for a moment—so often, we enter human encounters guardedly and with an eye to self-preservation. We allow fear to govern. We allow fear to stunt the encounter. Trust the other to share the gift, treasure it, and meet it. That sets the tone for love’s flourishing.

Second, he allowed his friendship to be led by God. That meant he could endure and be steadfast in his friendship even when his own family told him to reject David. No, he knew David, knew him to be a child of God, worthy of all dignity and respect, so, no one, not even kin, was going to lead him to treat David with anything less than the love demanded by meeting a fellow child of God. I wish and pray we could somehow rewire every adolescent to see each other this way—I know they are passing through the tribal stage of their existence, but too many adults keep that stance well into and beyond what we would name “maturity.” Through God’s grace and presence, we can reorient our eyes, our perceptions, and our hearts to truly meet one another in this welcoming presence. 

Third, in this way and through these means he became a servant of reconciling grace, embodying what Christ would manifest centuries later. His friendship transcended the specific encounter with David, becoming a paradigm for the ages. We can do that as well—we can make a difference in how our world operates. It begins on this basic level—at the level of the mustard seed. We cannot be overwhelmed by the scope of what we undertake. Think simply. Be here. Be now. Work within the circle of your own friends and family to manifest and foment this love. From there, the ripples spread. 

So, here is true friendship.

We are among friends.

Practice.